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Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

Banking joke

I was looking for an empty space to park my car at Bangsar when suddenly
there's a knock on the glass

"Encik ah..tanya sikit ah..itu Chimpeng mana ah..?"

"Apa?"

Three nuns quitting

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."

Mourning

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said,"and left me $10,000."

Hi-Tech men

Three men, two younger, and one senior citizen were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young man pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

Jokes... of astronauts; indian/chinese/malay mentality

American Spaceman is called Astronaut
Russian Spaceman is called Cosmonaut
Chinese Spaceman is called Taikonaut
Malaysian Spaceman ??? - Can-or-naut
 
Dr. M (The Prime Minister) was thinking about sending somebody into space.
Three potential can-or-nauts were called for an interview.
An Indian, a Malay and a Chinese.
Dr. M interviews the Indian first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission..
How much do you think you should be paid?"
Muthu replied: "One million ringgit."
"Why so much?" asks Dr. M. 

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep. 

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

And God Said “Let There Be Bridge”

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for Me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Jokes for the day

Multipurpose secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

Jokes for the day

Intelligent Boy

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is inthe third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy. to the principal's office.
While Boy. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

One Hole behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up
ahead of  him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7;
you're on 6."  He thanked her and continued playing golf.

      Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again
kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can
you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "you are one hole behind
me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

      Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. when he finished he
saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a
drink for helping him out. She accepted.

Jokes for the day

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. ‘Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want,’ said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.

The farmer says,’now shove em' all up your ass.’

The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
‘Why you laughing?’ asked the farmer.

To which the man replied, ‘My friend is out picking watermelons!’

The underwears

3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army's supply base to collect their underwears. Their sergeant was there to aid the supplies.

Sergeant: Hei Ah Beng! How many underwears you need ah?
Ah Beng: (thinks awhile) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant:(puzzled) How come so many?
Ah Beng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.

Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwears?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six? Mat: Mon, Tues,Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun.
Friday I wear sarong.

Sergeant: (Indian recruit)
Sergeant : Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
Tambhi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) What the hell you need so many for?
Tambhi:January, February, March...........One month one

Jokes for the day

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party.  
So he ordered a birthday cake on phone. The salesman asked him what message he wanted to put on the cake.
 
He thought for a moment and said, put
"getting older but you are getting better".

The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?"
 
 
The man said 'Well...put
"You are getting older" at the top and
"but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was unveiled at the party all the guests were aghast at the message on the cake.
 
It read:
"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"

 Moral of the Story:

1. Always proof-read everything before you send.


2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.


3. Don't order cakes by telephone.

Have a good day!!.

Jokes for the day

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

‘What are you doing?’ asked the mother.

‘Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband.’ The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ he asked.

His daughter replied, ‘I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.’ The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ she cried.

The husband replied, ‘What does it look like I'm going? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!’

Jokes for the day

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. ‘I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there.’

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. ‘Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.’ Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. ‘Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.’
‘I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork.’ The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ‘That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.’

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, ‘Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.’ Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
‘Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.’

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, ‘Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?’

Jokes for the day

After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ he said, ‘I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine.’

‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

‘It isn't possible,’ the man insisted. ‘We're pure Asian.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?’
The man seemed ashamed. ‘I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month.’

‘There you have it!’ the doctor said confidently. ‘It's just rust.’

Jokes for the day: Catholic

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

Extra Marital Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"

Jokes for the day: Mahathir goes to Hell, again!

Mahathir, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is
a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  
When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Famous quotes by the one and only Samy Velu ..

1. Samy Velu quoted on Pos Laju:-
    " BESOH KIRIM, HARI INI JUGA SAMPAI "  

2.
On TV when trying to say he was ashamed, he said:-
    "Ini prekara sangat memalukan saya dan kemaluan saya sangat-sangat la besar"
   

3.
Samy said in a ceramah
     "Kita akan bina satu jambatan wuntuk worang2 kampong di sini"
Then one pakcik asked,
     "Datuk,sini takde sungai, buat apa bina jambatan?
and Samy gloriously replied ,
     "Kalao takde sungai,kita bina sungai"

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